Two accountancy students were walking across campus when one said,
"Where did you get such a great bike?" The second accountant replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first accountant nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably
wouldn't have fit."

An architect, an artist and an accountant were discussing whether it was
better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.
The accountant said, "I like both." "Both?" The accountant replied "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the office and get some work done."

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the accountant, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

What's the definition of an accountant?
Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.

When does a person decide to become an accountant?
When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an
undertaker.

What does an accountant use for birth control? His personality.

What's an extroverted accountant?
One who looks at your shoes while he's talking to you instead of his own.

What's an auditor?
Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

Why did the auditor cross the road?
Because he looked in the file and that's what they did last year.

There are three kinds of accountants in the world. Those who can count, and those who can't.

How do you drive an accountant completely insane?
Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him and fold up a roadmap the wrong way.

What's the most wicked thing a group of young accountants can do?
Go into town and gang-audit someone.

What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't? Depreciation.

An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor.
"Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night." "Have you tried counting sheep?"
"That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying
to find it.”