I am very happy to write you this letter. I have watched and listened with keen interest to your call to all Nigerians in the Diaspora to come back home to join in building our great nation. In fact, I have listened sotey. I am now ready to pack all my boots and go back to my roots like Lamont Dozier.

First things first. I need a job.

I have one in mind. None other than the post of honourable Minister for Sports. Let's fashie dat one for now though.

Ehen, I heard Baba Chelsea is coming to Nigeria. Hallelu-Halleluyah! May I be so bold as to suggest ways of making his historic visit memorable. You see, that man like sax well well, so the first plan is as soon as he steps off Airforce One I want you to play the American National Anthem with full aplomb on the sax.

Actually, you will be miming for under the stage will be Femi Kuti, Orlando Julius, Isaac Hayes and Bart Simpson's younger sister (Lisa) wired for sound but out of view.

Come to think of it, that your Governor, the sax virtuoso of Cross River; Hon Donald Duke and his deputy Chief John Upka could share the stage with you.

Friends are saying that if we serve Baba Bill cool Kunu all our external debts will be a thing of the past as body go just dey sweet am sotey he go bring out cheque book come begin dey sign-sign. It's worth trying o!

One more thing, all Monicas' in the country must be converted to Morenikes' lest our August (August!! Good one Babawilly) visitor thinks we mock him when he hears you shouting "Monica, Monica abeg bring Fanta and Cabin biscuit for Baba Chelsea ojare".

Abeg warn NEPA O! If them take light during Baba Chelsea's speech in the airport blood go flow, period. (Abeg excuse the pun jo.)

Anyway back to a job for me for when I land Naija.

I promise you fifty Gold medals at the next Olympics if I get the job.

Before I tell you how I will perform this miracle here are my demands.

£100,000 a year for me and £2000 for every Gold medal in Sidney.

A six bed roomed mansion (fully air conditioned) with indoor and outdoor swimming pools.

Six house boys;
one to shine shoe
one to fry my eggs
one to put the eggs on my plate
one to say "Bless you Oga" when I sneeze,
one to iron my shirts
one to iron my trousers and
one to fan me between Nepa striking and emergency generator coming on.
Okay, so I need seven. E no finis, e no finis, e no finis.

We shall discuss the rest when we meet.
This is how I will win fifty Gold medals for my Motherland.